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January 27, 2013
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Shining on wet leaves are equally wet cheeks. The edges are ripped, torn just like her hoarse voice, ragged nails and shredded hemline. Relentlessly she has been calling his name, her voice has been swallowed by the forest as has the sun by the murky river water.

Her hair clings to her face, sticky with sweat. It makes a dense veil, shielding her from what she knows she will see. While she runs desperately, she peels it away, nails scratching her face. The trees mock her, their crooked backs shaking with laughter; the swaying of their thick branches reminiscent of a death march, but her determination is louder. As long as her heart pounds in her temples and pulses in her hands, she will not relent.

Breathing hard, she looks upwards.

There, suspended ominously is the moon. She reminds herself that she is aware of what is happening, but her heart flutters like a bird against her ribcage. Despite holding her breath to remain strong, she shudders with rage. If only she were a bird to careen into the moon, smothering its light and pecking it to crumbs. Perhaps then it would form a trail he could follow rather than her finding him in this unwelcoming morning air.

There, fur bristling, is him. His head is raised, nose touching the moon. The swirling grey eyes she was so familiar with have been clouded by amber. Tired of waiting out the nights clutching a blanket, she steps closer, hands outstretched to appeal to his humanity. Ears twitch with her movement and he curls his black lips. The rejection does not surprise her, but the hard glint of his teeth does.

Startled, she falls backwards, and her ankle twists.

He lets out a howl that reverberates through the night. It is the call to hunt. She lets out her own howl, but it is of the anguish of her heart fracturing her ribcage. Right then and there she knows there is no way to the moon, but perhaps there is no need: his amber eyes are fixated on her heart.
Inspired by Face by Nu'est. In this song there's a lot of hope that things will be righted, and despite a happy resolution being met in the lyrics, I still feel that there fear and anguish linger from the dark electric beat. I thought a relationship would be best to show this since emotions are always so poignant, but it couldn't be just any stereotypical relationship.

Questions:
:bulletblue: How well has the setting been set?
:bulletblue: Any awkward expressions?
:bulletblue: Is the conclusion satisfactory, especially that last sentence?

Critique on Lies by ~talkin-silence [link]

Written 12/1/13, edited 26/1/2013 and 27/1/2013.
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:iconc-a-harland:
C-A-Harland Featured By Owner Apr 21, 2014  Student Writer
This is a great piece, I especially love that first line, it's so gripping. The only thing that confused the setting for me was the mention of the moon, then "morning air". Obviously the moon could still be visible in the early morning, but it left me wondering if this was night or dawn.
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:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2013  Student General Artist
1) The setting is beautiful, very nicely described. I especially liked the first paragraph; along with informing us on the background, we also see some emotion from the character.
2) I think "She lets out her own howl, but it is anguished and her heart fractures her ribcage." was a slightly awkward phrase. The howl does not have correlation to the heart, technically, in the sentence, so it does not quite seem to fit.
3) The conclusion ties up the piece easily, I think, if not a bit confusing.

However, one issue about this piece is that I found it hard to understand what it was about. I'm not sure who 'he' is, what 'he is, or what 'he' wants, apart from the clue at the end. Otherwise, this was well-written and enjoyable to read. ^_^
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:iconozzla:
ozzla Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013   Writer
You're right, the howl and the heart aren't the same - it's just that the heart occurs after the howl :XD: I'll review that now so thanks for pointing it out, and have a look at the ending too since it relates to that.

Does this confusion make it annoying to read or is it one of the factors that makes it intriguing?
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:iconinnercartwheel:
innercartwheel Featured By Owner Feb 7, 2013  Student General Artist
The confusion isn't quite annoying, but a part of it could be cleared up slightly. Then it would be more intriguing, without anything too mindboggling.
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:iconcoup-de-coeur:
coup-de-coeur Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Face is an awesome song, and Ren is a darling haha.

:bulletblue:Setting: I really like the way that you described her surroundings, especially when you were talking about the trees. "The trees mock her, their crooked backs shaking with laughter; the swaying of their thick branches reminiscent of a death march" is perfect. The way you describe the setting fits well with the story, I find.

:bulletblue:Awkward phrases: It might be just me but I find that "the dense forest has swallowed her voice as has the sun by murky river water." is kind of awkward, especially the ending. I think that "her voice has been swallowed by the forest as has the sun by the murky river water" or something like that would work better, because the way the two parts are phrased would be more similar.
I also think that "her foot steps are louder and her hope the loudest" leaves something to be desired, because I feel that "loudest" doesn't really belong there. I don't know, it flows quite flawlessly up to there, and then I feel like that loudest makes it stumble. But maybe that's just me, haha.

:bulletblue:Conclusion: I really like the conclusion, especially that last sentence! I feel like you ended the story with a kaboom, but a nice one. I don't know how to explain it really, but I find it's perfect the way it is. (:
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:iconozzla:
ozzla Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   Writer
It's got all a song needs: great beat, meaningful lyrics and awesome dance moves. And Ren... how he looks at that person in the corridor is priceless :XD:

:bulletblue: I really wanted that bit to stand out, and it seems it has :D I had to be a bit creative there because it's the oldest trick in the book, so to say.

:bulletblue: Yep, I thought so. Your suggestion flows much better, so I'll go and edit it now.
How about "her determination is louder"?

:bulletblue: That's a relief! I feel like I still struggle a bit with endings, so I must be getting there :)
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:iconcoup-de-coeur:
coup-de-coeur Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ren is just priceless in general haha.

:bulletblue: It stood out perfectly. (:
:bulletblue: Yeah, I think that would work much better.
:bulletblue: I haven't read any of your other endings, but looking only at this one I would say that you have them down perfectly! (:
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:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
Wow. This is really nicely done. My heart was racing right along with the girl's!
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:iconozzla:
ozzla Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013   Writer
Really? It's great to hear that it evokes that sort of response. I feel pretty successful now :w00t:
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:icontravelgirlxx:
travelgirlxx Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2013
:heart: :hug:
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