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December 18, 2012
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Seashells and echoes
skip across the seas
faintly,
whispering the pasts
of gilded farces;
softly,
there are many calls.
Skip across the seas.

Mirrors and sunrises,
the birds all take flight,
quickly,
depart before night
before their dark light,
briskly,
so as not to fight
seashells and echoes.

Gravel and diesels,
they scratch at the eyes,
roughly
concealing the lies,
bombarding their cries.
Harshly,
their livelihood dies.
Skip across the seas.
Edit: omg, a DLD!! Right at this [link]!! Never would've expected it with a piece that I'd considered experimental!!


In the Lai Nouveau form as required for Day 18 of :iconprojectdfc: [link] I found this form much harder to adhere to with the combination of a strict syllable count, rhyming scheme and repetition of the very first two lines.

About the lai nouveau. Taken from [link]:
:bulletpink: an octave, 8 lines made up of 2 tercets followed by a rhymed couplet.
:bulletpink: syllabic, syllables per line, 5-5-2-5-5-2-5-5.
:bulletpink: rhymed aabaabaa

Questions:
:bulletpink: Is there any meaning that you can draw from this? I feel that it seems like nonsense in some parts.
:bulletpink: How well have I adhered to the rules of the form?
:bulletpink: Any other comments?


I like the images of the piece and later I'll rework it into a free verse. I'm sure I'll improve it, because appropriating my own work seems to do so.
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013   General Artist
Hooray! Congratulations on the DLD, darling imouto! :tighthug:
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:iconozzla:
ozzla Featured By Owner Jan 13, 2013   Writer
Thank you ane-chan!! I was so pleasantly surprised to find a DLD on this! I endearingly call it my "nonsense piece" because it relies on feelings rather than thought :XD:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 14, 2013   General Artist
Hey now, never berate the impact of feelings in poetry, it is the very essence, hand in hand with eloquence. :huggle:
I am such a proud nee-chan! :love:
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:iconozzla:
ozzla Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2013   Writer
Exactly, hand in hand with eloquence - no eloquence if it's nonsense :XD: But I know what you mean, it's just so startling because I've never written something like this before.
:love:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2013   General Artist
Yeah well, maybe you should start then, no? :la:
:tighthug:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Student Writer
Never heard of this type of poetry before! It's certainly unique.

:bulletpink: Is there any meaning that you can draw from this? I feel that it seems like nonsense in some parts.
I'm terrible at understanding the meaning behind poetry. ^^; But I interpreted it as a dream that slowly turns into something bad. While reading it I envisioned a long, empty beach and a calm sea, but the scene wasn't peaceful, it felt lonely. Sometimes I was unable to make sense of it, but if it's a dream as implied then I don't think there's any need for it to make complete sense. :)

:bulletpink: How well have I adhered to the rules of the form?
It seemed as if the rhymes didn't completely fit at times. I read it out loud and for example, fight and echoes don't rhyme. Or am I missing the point? :noes:

:bulletpink: Any other comments?
I really liked the repetition of certain lines, such as skip across the seas. Congratulations on your DLD. :heart: Sorry that I wasn't of much help. ^^;
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:iconozzla:
ozzla Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013   Writer
Definitely unique, and definitely nonsense :XD: I struggled to try and get across some meaning amongst such a restrictive form, but yes, it is a dream of sorts. The way it repeats is like an echo that changes the more times you hear it, and those changes reveal a reality where not everyone is satisfied. So, the first paragraph is longing for the past, of opulence, the second is the element of fear, and the third is the realisation of the harsh urban environment, and the ominous reminder to "skip across the seas".

Ehh, it's a slant rhyme but yes, a very weak one at that. It was just unlucky that "fight" slant rhymed with "sunrises", but not echoes :faint:

Skip across the seas is my favourite line too. Thanks, and you've been absolutely helpful, I really appreciate it :heart:
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:iconlaeneris:
Laeneris Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013  Student Writer
I see, thanks for explaining. :D I never would've guessed that meaning. I should read a lot, a lot more poetry. :ashamed:

Glad I was able to be of some help. :huggle:
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:iconozzla:
ozzla Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2013   Writer
haha, no, I don't think the meaning was that clear :XD:
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:iconraido-ehwaz:
raido-ehwaz Featured By Owner Jan 9, 2013  Professional Photographer
it's a beautiful form, and you used it very well. certainly worth a dld! :)
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